Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
