Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
