Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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