if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
