About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
