someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
