we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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