how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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