Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
