New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
