my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
