fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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