I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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