The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
