Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
