then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
