I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
