I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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