my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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