If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Girls should come with a carfax report
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
