oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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