She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
