Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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