I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
