Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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