We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
