I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
