WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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