you're like a bully in the Christmas story
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
