If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
