I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
