Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
