I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
