I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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