The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
