Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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