this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
