I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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