New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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