I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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