You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
