i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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