It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
