hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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