i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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