I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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