i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Text me some of your sweat
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
