I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
