I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
