She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
